A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
a search helicopter?!
She bit a glass in half.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
