By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
