Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
