i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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