Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
