my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
