You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
