sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
