woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think I won the penis lottery.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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