guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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