someone threw a dead crab at me
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
