I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
i now understand why vodka
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
