booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
