At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
