Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
