so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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