i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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