I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
