I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
