I wannas sexs uuuuu
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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