Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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