I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
