I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
