Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
