If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
