i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
