My first STD was from a foam party
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
