My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
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He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
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I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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