my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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