I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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