you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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