Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
