I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
