i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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