i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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