shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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