I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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