is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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