I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My vagina is officially offended.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
