Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
