Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
