I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
