I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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