nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
