Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
