I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
