A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
