i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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