her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
