Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
