my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
