I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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