That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
