grandma shit on top of the toilet
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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