I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
