I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
