i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
