i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
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Just called the consul general of France "dude"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
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That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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