I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There's always time for handjobs
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
