Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
